I will die if light touches me.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
