i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
