i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
