Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
