when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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