I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
