So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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