she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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