So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
