so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My life is pants optional.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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