hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
