I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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