Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
