yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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