I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
