i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
