My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
