i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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