That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
