He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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