That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
