4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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