there's paper in my vomit.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You have to summon your inner elephant
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
