i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
