I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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