Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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