When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
