Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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