I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
