Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
