Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you win again, gameday.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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