my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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