These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
