The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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