So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
