Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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