nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
