I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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