he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
