Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
