i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
