Don't make out with my wife yet
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
