so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
