its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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