So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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