She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
