The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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