a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
