I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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