and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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