I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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