Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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