I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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