He had one of those small greek statue penises
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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