when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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