So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
